is paris burning? or am i?

here's some daily thoughts for sugarmommaless . didn't do it last time, but got me some regular internerd access this time. and am feeling particularly homesick. the longer i stay here, the more i realize that this will be my life for 6-8 months of next year. not ready to leave my crib (and i do mean baby-bed) but crumby tiny appartments and the boho life of a broke musician teaching English under-the-table awaits.

PARIS - day 1 (of 10)

air france thoughts
nice gadgets, endless amounts of baguette, a big hunk of camembert and generally good healthy food and service. i was happy and left satiated but not nauseous.

airport panic attack
kept being told i was in the wrong line / right line in customs because they fucked up my ticket and it took me an hour to get to the place where my luggage was supposed to be. add this to the general french lack of friendly customer service made me start heaving and crying thinking i'd gotten my guitar stolen... not a good time for that to happen. and then they had the balls to say "madame s'est trompée". no fuckers, y'all messed me up...

maids' quarters in the red light district
the attic-flat i am staying in for the next few days while i couchsurf through supportive people's homes... i am a block away from the moulin rouge. and as per usual steps away from "alimentation générale" stores (fruit markets) and bakeries. paris' red light district makes me smile: it screams fluorescent 80s and disco 70s. i promise to take pictures.

25,000€ worth
my label-mates whipped me into shape for tomorrow's interview. be up, be brief and be gone. need to muster up uber-confidence about my "mad skills" and "innovative music". laurent suggested i talk about my identity because parisians are *just* getting aware of intersections of identities and he finds my music is a clear testament of mine. i love these good people who believe in me. it gives me a break from myself sometimes.

cheese
the camembert is still cheap and yummy.


----

my panic attacks are more frequent these days.
my insomnia is pretty bad.
i have to cry about 15 mins to an hour of each day to get stuff out of my system. it was hard on the plane. it gets hard at work. it needs to stop.
and yet, i should be so happy. things are moving. but the changes are getting to be drastic.
and i'm not just crying about the usual (crappy break-up, being unattractive and/stupid, being useless). something gloomier lurks atop my thoughts. something nameless.

i have fond memories of last weekend and hanging out with friends, meeting new people with great brains, especially 5 yr old mandisa - she's SO happy and lucky to have a cool activist/ conscious mom. taking her to ballet creole was a trigger for the childhood my cousin and i did not have but strive to leave the next generation. the trigger was also one that causes panic attacks nowadays. more tomorrow. gotta wash my face and sleep. it's half past midnight here. and my insomnia is making jetlag a non-issue.